Hello, World (Coming Out)
After two-ish years worth of self-exploration, questioning, confiding, reflection, and seeking professional guidance, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have a new introduction to make: Hi, my name is Harrison. I am transgender and genderfluid. I am not not a man, but this is far from being the only facet of my identity or of my understanding of my gender; it is a spectrum, after all, and my “baseline” puts me much closer to being a woman. At times I am indeed a man, and at times I am somewhere in-between the two, and at times I am somewhere much farther on the outer bounds, approaching genderlessness.
I once thought that I’d share this news about myself with the much simpler explanation that I am a transgender woman. I’d share photos of me living my best life looking feminine and chic, reveling in the queer-friendly community here in Denton (my new home base!). I hope to be able to do that still. But, since finding this truth about myself, I have itched to be able to express it freely and, in doing so, have inadvertently applied some immense pressure to myself to look and act a certain way to prove my claims about myself. While it is true that I am a transgender woman, and I am happy to be able to adopt that label, it does not fully capture the breadth of my experiences with my own gender and, frankly, I still have so much internal work to do before I can be that kind of free, joyful woman that I hope to be one day. For now, I have come to recognize that I do not need to operate on anyone’s schedule but my own, and that I do not need to hold myself back from being honest about my identity even when I don’t yet have the appearance to match (I haven’t even shaved my beard yet; it’s a comfort that I’m saying a slow goodbye to). As with most things, that will come with time and practice.
That said, what will change? Well, over the coming years, I will be doing a lot of exploration to find a more androgynous and feminine version of myself. I’ve got a lot of learning about makeup to do, and I need to learn how to develop a wardrobe and fashion sense for myself that is more complex than “haha, t-shirt and shorts go brrrrrr” (though I’ll likely continue my tradition of attending one day of Midwest in said outfit). I will pursue voice training so that I can gain greater control over my vocal habits and use that to present my voice in a more feminine manner (and maybe master a few impressions along the way). I will pursue hormone replacement therapy (of the feminizing variety) to develop a more feminine body. Also, to be clear, I do not view any of these actions as requirements to validate one’s identity as a woman; these are things that I will do because I want to do them.
I am well aware of the sociopolitical timing with which I am sharing this. I am living under a christofascist regime that wants me dead. I considered this. I am surrounded by people who, at best, are privileged to be blissfully unaware of this and, at worst, enthusiastically support it and are willing to act on it themselves. I considered this. I am giving up the privileges that come with being cisgender, with being a man, and with being heterosexual. I considered this. I am, generally speaking, raising the average level of danger I am in at any given time. I considered this. None of it deterred me. If I face violence for the act of seeking out my most authentic self, I will do what I can about it, and that’s that. If I die for it, then I will find it a shame that I did not have more time, and I will have to hope that what I have done and said until that point will suffice in achieving my life goals of spreading harmless love and joy to others, fiercely defending their right to that harmless love and joy, and encouraging them to pay it forward so that we might leave our world a better place than we found it. My hope is that it’s a moot point, and I live a full life. But if I do die to ideologically-motivated violence, I will have died a political death by definition, and I encourage everyone I know to shout that to the rooftops and see if it might be used to enact some kind of positive change.
I think that’s the heaviest part of this whole thing, and it’s important to me that I acknowledged it. But the fact is that, as nervous as I may be, I am sharing this information about myself as an act of radical joy. Here I am: queer as hell and unashamed. I may still look the part of your average white dude at the time of posting this, but that will change. I will seek my most authentic self with pride. And I will continue to do what I have tried to do up until now: speak and act with a deep reverence for the miracle-coincidence of our shared existence and for the love we get to share within it.
I anticipate that people will have questions, and I will try to cover all the basics here.
Okay, one more time: what gender are you? I am, as a “baseline”, a woman. I am also a man at times, I am also non-binary at times, and I am also kind of genderless at times.
Who gender are you? Yes, me. You have the right of it.
When gender are you? Most of the time, only excepting the times that I am genderless. See above.
Where gender are you? Any place that I am currently in, unless I am genderless. See above.
Why gender are you? Your guess is as good as mine. My degree is in music composition, not philosophy.
How gender are you? Decently gender, I think, except for the times when I’m genderless. See above.
What are your pronouns/how do I refer to you? My pronouns are she/he/they with equal preference. You may use one, you may use multiple, you may experiment as desired. Under no circumstances will I expect anyone to keep up with my own fluctuating gender. You may call me a man or a woman, and you may use the terms associated with both genders to refer to me. Dude and girl and homie are all cool with me. I still like when my parents call me son, I like brother and sister equally, and I’ll probably go by mom one day!
What about your name? I am not changing my name. I have always loved and fully embraced the name Harrison. It means “son of Harry”, and my dad’s name is Mark, so we’re already ignoring the etymology of it anyway.
I support you, but this is all a bit over my head. Where can I learn more about these things? I hear you; this can feel like a lot of unfamiliar language and ideas, especially if you’re not of the Millennial and Gen Z generations. I recommend this website as a good starting point, as well as this one. Please know that when you’re honestly trying to be supportive, I’ll never judge you for making mistakes because mistakes are a necessary part of growth, and I’ll make them too.
I don’t believe in transgenderism. You have a mental illness. That’s not a question, and your belief has no bearing on my existence. Here I am, transgender, existing. I do have a few mental illnesses, but that was confirmed a long time ago and I take medication for it. Go listen to Nocturne if you want to learn more about that. And, no, the “woke mind virus” is not an illness, you’re just a victim of conservative propaganda.
I want to thank my immediate family and friends for supporting me on this journey, and I want to give a particularly emphatic shoutout to my friend Sasha Romero. Sasha has been a friend and someone I’ve respected deeply for many years prior, so she was one of the very first people I reached out to when I realized the direction I was headed in. She has given me so much support and assurance as I’ve traveled along this path of self-realization, and she has connected me with community and a safe space to be who I am without fear or anxiety. I truly cannot thank her enough and I am so immensely grateful to call her my friend (for matters both as serious as personal identity and as unserious as our shared obsession with certain video games!).
Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have questions or comments (constructive ones; if you just want to shit on my salad, save it). At the end of the day, it is going to be easier for some people to refer to me in the same way as they always have, and I won’t mind that—they won’t be incorrect because manhood is still a part of my identity, and my full identity is a complicated one. At the same time, I will greatly appreciate those who take the effort to speak to me and about me in ways that reflect what I’ve shared, because sharing these aspects of my identity is a step toward expressing my most authentic self.
Finally, know that I am still Harrison, human and friend and family member, and I am still Harrison J. Collins, your friendly neighborhood composer. Those parts of me have always been authentic, and I am excited for the coming years in which I can add to that another more authentic part of myself. It’ll be a hell of a ride, and I hope you’ll join me for it.
- Harrison (she/he/they)